One man shares his story of domestic abuse

Joseph and Larry met through Grindr, a popular social and dating app for gay men.

They continued seeing each other and eventually, Larry told Joseph how beautiful he was, how special, making Joseph become more and more attached.

Joseph grew up in a comfortable middle-class family, with two parents who’d worked hard to ensure he had a great childhood, after they’d endured harsher childhoods of their own. Despite that, Joseph dealt with his own emotional turbulences and was bullied in school.

Larry, however, lost his father when he was 2, and got involved with drugs and crime early on. He spent many years in prison, though he distorted those facts when he and Joseph met.

“He grew up in this bad environment, and no one ever gave him a chance,” was one excuse Joseph used for Larry’s later, questionable behaviors.

Joseph was faithful in his relationship with Larry, even as he suspected Larry of cheating after finding flirtatious conversations with other people on his phone. This is what Joseph believes fueled Larry’s jealousy and accusations of cheating, which escalated over time. But Joseph never felt threatened. Not then.

Eventually Joseph invited Larry to join him on a family trip.

“He turned the vacation into a living hell,” Joseph recalls.

Larry was arrested so Joseph and his family bailed him out. Even after their help and support, Larry confronted Joseph about his supposed affairs, calling him names, all while his family was ensconced in a room nearby. The far more muscular Larry charged at Joseph, the first of his physical assaults.

Joseph sent Larry, in tears, home on a Greyhound and chose this time to go to the beach and pray.

When Joseph returned home, Larry convinced him to meet up one more time.

Larry had reverted to his gentlemanly ways, known as the honeymoon period in cyclical violent relationships.
One night they agreed to meet at midnight at Joseph’s house. When Larry hadn’t arrived by 2 a.m., Joseph told him not to come over anymore.

But Larry arrived over four hours late anyway, “drunk off his ass, a mess,” and tried to hug Joseph. Joseph took his keys, told him to pass out on the couch, and tried to go to bed but Larry instead collapsed on top of him, trying to hug him closely, until Joseph was able to free himself.

“I tell him that I’m done with him, we’re over, get out,” Joseph explains. When Larry didn’t comply, Joseph smashed a jar on the floor out of frustration, and this time Larry snapped. If he couldn’t have Joseph, no one would have Joseph, so Larry leapt up, wrapped his hands around Joseph’s throat and choked him. Joseph bit his arm to escape, and Larry punched him in the face, burying him in a flurry of fists.

“I don’t even remember the feeling of getting punched,” Joseph says. “There was so much going on.”

He managed to escape the onslaught, fraught with fear. Did he go for the phone? Call the cops, his mother? He was afraid to even get an icepack.

“I started pushing all the sharp objects away from him and started taking all the blame verbally,” Joseph explains, “because I was afraid of him.”

Larry hugged him so hard Joseph couldn’t breathe, and he imagined his mother finding his corpse. Finally, Joseph returned Larry’s car keys, and Larry drove away. When a flower pot came crashing through his window later, Joseph escaped through the bathroom window, finding his way to a hospital.

Today, he is waiting to hear about the fate of his assailant. Larry has been charged with 1st degree burglary, 2nd degree wanton endangerment, and 4th degree assault. Fourth degree because he didn’t use a weapon.

“His hands were weapon enough,” Joseph notes.

Larry is expected to serve six years with no probation, though he may get out earlier on parole.

For a while, Joseph suffered excruciating bruises and swelling, injuries that burned and woke him frequently during the night. He says only a few of his customers asked him about his injuries and he believes stereotypes around domestic abuse influenced people’s reactions to such injuries. In fact, Joseph admits even he may have made assumptions in the past, particularly concerning gender roles.

Though the physical injuries have faded, Joseph still struggles with the mental trauma left behind. A few weeks later, he suffered from a strange desire to reconnect with his abuser, until he managed to objectively de-construct his fantasy. The first few times the prosecutor called him with updates on the case, Joseph felt the trauma bear down on him.

“It’s like I took all that energy; it’s as if I put it up in a jar,” he said. “Every time I got an update about him, I would have a breakdown and be devastatingly depressed.”

He also quit using Larry’s past to excuse his behavior, especially after he met Larry’s brother, who has a family and a good job. The brother explained they used to gang-bang the streets together as kids. But while his brother cleaned up in high school, Larry did not.

“I wish I wouldn’t have bent the rules for him,” Joseph allows. “I told him I would regret doing that, but I begged him to prove me wrong. He didn’t.”

Since his attack, Joseph’s life has changed for the better. He rejects both victim and survivor labels, saying they don’t work for him. He appreciates hearing people say they’re sorry, but prefers people who tell him, “You are a strong person.”

Joseph wishes he had known what would come from his relationship with Larry, with how it would have affected his actions.

“I wish I’d had a snapshot of what would happen, because there were moments of such darkness and confusion,” he says. “But I think I was meant to be on this road. I can find the silver lining in the attack. There’s people who have a fraction of what I have. I’m grateful for what I have.”