Column: Trump gives doomsday device access to Musk & Son

This just in from WAIT . . . WHAT? Real News Now:

White House Resident Donald Trump has named both Elon Musk and Musk’s son X (formerly Twitter) Ash A Twelve, or X Æ A-Xii, to the front of the line for accessing the Doomsday Device passcode.

Musk (home planet, Mars) is at the #1 spot in the event Resident Trump is golfing when a call for global annihilation occurs. Four-year-old X (formerly Twitter) Ash A Twelve is at the #2 spot, just behind his father.

“Since Damien Thorn . . . er . . . I mean X . . . assumes a toddler form, we decided to change the pass code to make it easier to get a head-start in our Armageddon games should Elon also be away,” said Trump. “The top-secret passcode is now XAshATwelve. All X has to do is spell his name. See how simple we made it. Best pass code ever, by the way. 

“To make it even more fun for him – and for me, to be honest – we are replacing the traditional red button with a much more interactive Whac-A-Mole design. I love watching all those little heads and faces of foreign leaders – not Vladimir and Xi, of course – intermittently popping up to be whacked by, for lack of a better term, Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. Best Beatles song ever by the way. BOOM. BOOM.”

When asked by the press corpse if he thought putting the planet’s fate into the tiny and disgustingly sticky hands of a 4-year-old boy was prudent and responsible, Resident Trump replied, “Actually, you should feel safer with him overseeing the Doomsday Device instead of me. That yellow Post It Note with the passcode scribbled on it is always falling off the wall and getting lost. Takes me forever to find it. 

“It’s easy to underestimate the boy’s genius, I get it. I’ll let you in on a little secret but I’ll deny it if you print it: X actually designed Cybertruck, which explains why it looks like a Cub Scout Pinewood Derby car built by a child without adult supervision. Cybertruck is beautiful, by the way. X is always hanging around the White House anyway, so why not give him something he’s far more qualified to do than most others here.”

In other Doomsday Device news, the press corpse was also shocked that Vice Resident J.D. Vance was actually bumped down the list to #15, 11 spots behind Vladimir Putin and one spot behind former President William McKinley. 

When asked why Vance was doomsday demoted, Trump said, “You kidding me? I don’t want J.D. anywhere near that device. He’s a crazy f&@er. And I know crazy!

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