Column: Another episode of “How I Broke This”
HOW I BROKE THIS | EPISODE 11 | MIMI’S TRUE MIME PODCAST
GUY RAZZ: I’m Guy Razz, host of How I Broke This. Welcome to my narrative journey about business ineptitude and the failed leaders who failed to learn from their failures. Listen as my guests reveal what led to their crushed entrepreneurial spirits. As always, this podcast airs from inside my ex-wife’s backyard aluminum shed. Unfortunately, she has chosen now of all times to mow her yard.
SFX: EAR-SPLITTING, TORNADIC MOWER NOISE. RUSTY SHED DOOR SLIDES OPEN.
GUY (hollering through opening): Give me a break! I’m recording in here!
EX (hollering from outside): It’s my shed, Guy!
GUY (hollering): Technically, this shed landed in this very spot last tornado season. We actually don’t know who it belongs to.
EX (hollering): My yard! My shed! Twister Law 101! By the way, you’re late on rent.
SFX: RUSTY SHED DOOR SLIDES SHUT. MOWER NOISE EVENTUALLY FADES.
GUY: Today’s guest is Mimi Mime, former host of the now defunct Mimi’s True Mime Podcast. Welcome to How I Broke This, Mimi.
MIMI MIME:
GUY RAZZ: Listeners, Mimi flashes me a big smile and waves. Mimi, just so you know, we’re an old school podcast. No video. You might want to actually speak.
MIMI MIME:
GUY: Listeners, Mimi frowns, shakes her head, and shrugs. FYI, listeners, today marks the first time you can call in live. I look forward to your questions. Now, Mimi squats and creates the illusion of being trapped inside a box.
SFX: PHONE RINGS.
GUY: Our first caller! Hello, Caller #1.
CALLER #1: Wrong number. Sorry, dude.
GUY: Better than a butt call, I guess. Palms outward, Mimi attempts to force herself out of the invisible box. Her shoulders and chest are straining. She grows more frustrated with each failed escape. Mimi, I hope there is air in there. Can you breathe!? Do you want me get an ax!?
SFX: PHONE RINGS.
GUY: Guy here. Welcome, Caller #2.
CALLER #2: Hi, Guy. Mimi is performing the classic mime “trapped in a box” routine. She isn’t oxygen deprived. She’s not trapped. She’s a mime! Chill, dude.
GUY: Good to know, Caller #2. Listeners, Mimi wears a black and white striped shirt. Her face is covered with white makeup. There is a black teardrop under one eye, which means either she’s perpetually sad or she once served hard time for murder. I hope it’s the latter since the most popular podcasts are about crime and death. This might earn me a ratings bump. Maybe I can finally get a sponsor, enabling me to pay rent to my ex for using her—
SFX: EAR-SPLITTING, TORNADIC MOWER NOISE RETURNS. MOWER NOISE EVENTUALLY FADES.
GUY: Sorry, listeners. Let’s continue before another mow-by. I doubt Marc Maron has to deal with distractions like this. Mimi, while you struggle to exit the box, let’s talk about the unfortunate demise of MIMI’S TRUE MIME PODCAST. Thousands downloaded your first episode, but on day two, thousands unsubscribed. What happened?
MIMI MIME:
GUY: Listeners, Mimi seems to have lost the will to escape. She sits on the floor and shrugs. She looks exhausted, defeated. She rubs her eyes. Wait . . . Mimi . . . are those actual tears? Are you actually shedding real tears in this shed?
SFX: PHONE RINGS.
GUY: Wow. I have more listeners than I thought. Caller #3, what’s up?
CALLER #3: Guy, this is actually Caller #2 again.
GUY: Wow, a second time caller!
CALLER #2: My guess is Mimi’s actually trying to tell you she’s heartbroken over the failure of her TRUE MIME podcast.
MIMI MIME:
GUY: Caller #2, you must be right. Mimi is giving a thumbs up.
CALLER #2: I’ll try to answer your question for her. When the first episode of Mimi’s True Mime Podcast dropped, people couldn’t wait to listen. Unfortunately, they misread the title as Mimi’s True CRIME Podcast, not Mimi’s True MIME Podcast. She lost the true crime fans. Thirty minutes of dead air is too much for anyone to endure. Watching mimes in person is torture enough.
SFX: EAR-SPLITTING, TORNADIC MOWER NOISE RETURNS.
GUY: Sorry listeners, the riding mower is still passing way too close to my studio. I wonder if my ex is trying to sabotage my show?
SFX: MOWER NOISE EVENTUALLY FADES.
GUY: So, what you are saying, Caller #2, is that mimes make for lousy podcast hosts?
CALLER #2: Not only that, but they make for lousy podcast guests, too, which you proved today, Guy. Mimi’s podcast failure is not her fault. She’s a purist. The primary goal of miming is to remain silent. She succeeded at her art, just not at her podcast. To make sounds is to fail at miming. To not make sounds is to fail at podcasting. Classic Catch-22.
SFX: EAR-SPLITTING, TORNADIC MOWER NOISE RETURNS. MOWER NOISE EVENTUALLY FADES.
Guy: For god’s sake.
SFX: A LOUD SNEEZE INSIDE THE SHED.
CALLER #2: Gesundheit, Guy!
GUY: It was Mimi who sneezed, not me. She must be allergic to grass.
CALLER #2: If Mimi accidentally made a sound, then she has failed as a mime! This cannot be good, Guy.
GUY: Listeners, Mimi successfully lifts open the lid to her invisible box. She steps out but looks even more distraught. She mimes fitting an invisible noose around her neck.
CALLER #2: Don’t do it, Mimi!
GUY: She mimes pulling the rope tightly above her head. She tugs and tugs. Her tongue sticks out. Her neck droops forward. She drops quickly to the shed floor, surprisingly quick, not the slow-motion, dramatic, lingering death scene one expects of a mime. She’s supine, unmoving.
CALLER #2: It’s mime-icide! Call 9-1-1, Guy.
GUY: Nah. How do we know this isn’t part of her act? Besides, a cliffhanger like this, possibly involving death, just might provide the ratings bump I need. I’m hanging up, Caller #2. I need to keep the phone line open for potential sponsors!SFX: EAR-SPLITTING, TORNADIC MOWER NOISE RETURNS.
